I miss multiple orgasms

I hadn't realized how much I missed them until after I had one....

There I was laying in this bed.... Naked as always minunis the fact that my chonies were still on.... He knew just how to touch me , he knew to grab my wrist and hold them down just enough.... his fingers slid down my sides tracing my tattoos and hovering over my pussy ( the traitor was already soaking my panties with her wetness). His hand slid over the warmth , teasing me but barley touching , the grip of his other hand becoming firmer as I try to wiggle....

His fingers slid my undies to the side the sheer fabric a dark green from the wetness, and he slid over the clit and ran his fingers around the edge of my opening.. my hips moving up for more... he smiled and pulled out a rope... i let him tie my hands and watched him slither in between my legs.. positioning him self just right and with out any warning two fingers were in my pussy making me gasp and bend up.. he pushed me back with his other hand .. and his mouth went to work on my clit, as he tried to push deeper and deeper in my pussy .. with his fingers... it felt like forever the orgasm building i could feel it but he kept letting up when i would get close let up enough that the orgasm wouldn't come but not enough to make me frustrated.... and when i did i come my eyes swam and my entire body crumpled up into a ball, and he kept at it my clit and my pussy both despite my withering and pulling away.. i couldn't speak couldn't say no but it felt like everything was going to burst if he didn't stop... i couldn't speak couldn't think couldn't even push him away because of my hands being tied up... and i felt that wave yet again felt it tingle through my body and i moaned all over again... laying lifeless after the second orgasm...

and then he pulled me to the edge of the bed, my legs in the air... "no... i can't right now " i managed to get out.... but he just continued putting on the condom and lifted my ass into the air holding me by the hips as he shoved the entire length of him inside my throbbing pussy.....and he pounded into me the fore making a smacking sound... and i began to moan even more ... and i felt myself explode yet again... and only then did he let me down and pull out taking off the condom and asking if it was okay to cum on me... oh yeah i said as he squirted all over my stomic and chest...... we lay there for 20 mininuts after neither of us moving just laying in post orgasm bliss...

"do you want to cum again?" he asked My pussy was so wet my ass was dripping i had his cum all over my chest and i felt sore but my answer was yes... and he went right back between my legs .... making me cum again, and then thrusting his cock in my face... i took all of him his hand in my hair pushing his cock into my throat... i was prepared to make him cum, but he pulled back, flipped me over and pulled me to the edge of the bed, h a new condom and his cock back inside of my pussy , his arm came around my throat. "do you like this?" he asked.. yes was my only answer.. "good" he said pulling tighter, choking me slightly as he fucked me from behind... i felt myself cum again, and he was still going.... i reached my hand to my clit trying to distract my throbbing pussy from the pain. He let go of my neck and spread my ass apart with his hand... "such a cute ass" his fingers reached down to my wet ness and then he pressed his finger to my ass hole and fingered just the edge as he fucked me setting off yet another orgasm... my legs went limp and i felt my ass sliding down but couldn't do anything about it.... i gatherd my thoughts enough to offer my mouth services.. "already came, your too hot not to." he responded.

Eventually I showered and we had a snack before I went home and worked on a paper....

It as hours later that I realized how much I miss days filled with orgasm. Not strangers or dates who you end up fucking but their never that good or they cum and want to stay over and cuddle (I only cuddle when sick thank you) or they run (work at 6 a m tomorrow you know) and you are left feeling unsatisfied. Don't get me wrong I cum... and if he can't make me cum I can make myself.. But it is the day filled with multiple orgasms, mind blowing sex... thats what I miss!

I know how you taste

So i actually interact with sex kitten on a semi- regular basis, and every time she looks up at me there is this look and this smile almost like she is thinking ' i know how you taste'. and every time there is this sudden sexual tension in our shared look. And it's not just with her any of my ex lovers that have stayed friends have this look, and i know i am not imagining it because i do it as well, especially if he was a good fuck. I will make eye contact and a slight glance down and then a familiar smile that is supposto be friendly but is sexual instead because i am thinking of an amazing time that we had fucking, and then his face will mirror mine and there is this shared connection where you are both thinking of each others bodies and your body warms up with the thought of more. It makes doing everyday activities just a little harder

and you keep going

there has been fucking, glorious fucking that fills my needs but like a junkie who has to settle for a different kind of high, i am still craving the other high the one that i use to get.

Hence why i haven't written about any of the fucking..... and then there is the emotions, army boy came to help me move (ya he is already head over heels, WHY and i mean WHY does every guy i fuck decided that i am the girl for him! I mean i give awesome blow jobs, but forever really?!) and stayed two weeks, taking me out to fancy restaurants and being there to hold my hand if i want and he loves me, apparently never stopped and i just want the emotional stuff to back off because i can't deal IT IS THAT SIMPLE I CAN"T DEAL. i have never been good at the emotional stuff and at his point it is effecting the fucking.

Cuz my drug feels wrong, ya it works i climax i feel my body tighten every muscle clench, a wave riding me until i am senseless but it doesn't feel the same, it doesn't put me in my happy place. And army body is good, i mean he hits the back of me with out trying, he can fuck and fuck and fuck, he can cum on me and keep fucking me until i explode for the fifth time. Not to mention he is eye candy, which makes it that much more fun to watch. So why does it feel like something is missing...?

self evident truths

a. sex is my drug, when i am sad when i am happy when i am mad, no matter the time or occasion there is always room for sex. I think about it when i am not doing it. I would rather be fucking then working, or playing or even eating. I would almost rather be fucking then sleeping (i really like sleep). It doesn't make everything better, because when i am done life always come crashing back down but for the 30 mins to 6 hours that i am doing nothing but fucking, geting fucked or pushing those errrotic buttons everything is perfect, hence fucking is my drug.

b. like any drug, fucking can mess up your life you sleep with to many people or hurt some ones heart or get hurt or get an std or forget about life cuz yo were too concerned about your next fix.

c. I love the bf and thats not enough for me.

d. I broke his heart, and even still, knowing i broke his heart and that i an continuing to break it, i am willing to give in for my fix.
and it was fucking hot sex, and i wish it fixed everything and we cold just be in bliss, but it doesn't. I still feel like i need more. like love isn't enough. I need someone who is just as sexual as i am, who understands the desire to succed. Who understands that people save money for rainy days or weddings .. or trips or just so that they don't live pay check to paycheck.

e. i like being in charge but i like being dominated just as much. I can do either role and i love doing them both, and getting stuck in one role is tiresome. If i wanted to be a mommy i would give birth. I want a partner some one who can handle themselves just as much as i do.

the simple truth is i want more.

a little change always makes things better

maybe it's just me, but i think girls at least have to change their appearance when ever a major change happens in their life. In my case the end of a 4 year relationship equal a new tattoo and dark hair..... i can pull off any color, but some how dark just seam to fit at the moment.... and the tattoo was pure bliss. Pain is sexual for me in the first place but i fell like this horrible person that needs to be punished, and i was laying in the chair, the tattoo artist just digging on my side and i could feel my pussy growing wet and i had to work not so that a sound of pain would escape but so that a sound of pleasure wouldn't escape, i could see my nipples hard beneath my shirt... if only someone had been playing with my clit at the same time, i think i may have been in heaven.

because i can

maybe because i know i am sexy, maybe because i have a drawer full of sexy things that are just begging for someone to see.... i convinced a friend to take photos , yummy photos that i am posting because i can. Because there is no one to tell me no, because i am happy with my body and i think it is a thing to be seen not hidden... so here are some photos keeping in mind all the ones that didn't make the cut (because my face was in them, i mean lets face it i like danger but i try not to put nude pictures with my face in them on the Internet)







and here more.....

Unloading

It's over, what does that really mean, i means i have half processed thoughts worries and fears that i have written about my relationship but have refused to publish because it is forver we were meant to be forever, and i look at them and realize that they are important thought s to me, so why did i push them so far away, and what does over mean...

Engagment- you don't really want to get married, you proposed so that i am stuck, no playing, all yours. But marrage the actual act scares you. Engagment means he's all mine/ change in personality (isn't that supposto happen after the wedding?



What are you suposto do with all the dreams, all the plans when you are with someone you talk about the house you may have or the things each of you want in your wedding , girls at least picture the children they will have and the life and how everything will be. You talk about childrens names and finishing degrees and making this life together and all to often it ends something just went wrong someone chaged and i ask what are you supposto do with all these plans these dreams , where do they go, because like the memories you have with this person thoses plans and dreams were real and they really meant something and now they are just gone?...

I have pages and pages of things tore from magaizes about the perfect wedding, i have the dressed picked out, i have list after list of how it is going to go down. Why do i feel like i am the only one invested in this?


Domestication runins us

the essence of college , 2 am sitting in my kitchen, every light in the apartment on. Wearing a tee-shirt and chonies, a glass of wine in hand. Roomates a plenty; sometimes asleep but usuayaly there at 2am making a snack and laughing with me, the entire world becconing, waiting and at our fingure tips. So much to explore and learn, to expand and change.

But here i am sneeking around my house, quiet as can be, trying not to make a sound or create too much light. I feel like screaming, i want you awake, ALIVE, a part of this moment, to talk, to tuch , to be.

But we have responsiblities, work and school which have transformed from an affertless exciting thing to a chore.

Where has the energy gone? you chose somone, to share your life, your expirences, your love, but these fleeting moments that have no conaquence but somehow mean everything, Where is that PERSON. Domestication has runined it.

too scared
how do you know, when does love become confort. How can you love someone so much irracablity and still be unsure if this is your life. There are many choices, many people, and paths that we get to choses from. do my choices chage myt happyness, does love change and is love enough. Sometimes it is everything. The sun, the moon the very essence of my life and everything feels perfect. Trapped in that moment you know this is where you need to be, but when it passes and that glimpse of the path is gone that feeling fleeting and you wonder, What other paths are there, is another one better, would that moment stay forevor with a diffrent person, a diffrent choice. there is a confort in seeing your path, do we stay becuse of unsure fotting, do we stay for love? for obligation, for connfort?

that would be the end, i don't want someone else, i want a diffrent life, there are things yet to be explored, people to discover, and needs that are unmet. can you have all those things, it it simpluy too much? Is love worth giving all those thing up?

a certain light

Just as there is always two sides to a story, we tend to portray things in a certain light.
The same event will happen to two people and the way they remember it, the images or words that stick out the most is different for each of them. Words are twisted actions blown out of proportion and usually both parties feels injured. And like a story we tell our friends our family the version that makes us look best. Wither we omit certain aspects or change just one word we used or... in our daily life we are always putting our selves into a positive light. And why so our family and friends think we behave better then we really do or that we are more noble.

And I am a master at this, I don't lie not outright and I don't mean to make myself sound better (that is to say it is not a concuss decision) But I continually change little things. Little lies that don't really mean anything. But what does that say about me that i lie? I feel my blog is one of the few places where there is no lies. I openly admit that my morals in regards to relationships are shameful to say the least. i often refer to my self as the bitch that i am. But if i honestly think i am completely truthful even with my blog i am deluding my self.

and why, no one who actually knows me reads my blog, and do i care what some random person who finds it thinks? not really otherwise i wouldn't post my deepest shames, secrets and fears. I think i portray what i want for my self so that i can accept some truths and not have to be faced by others.....

and the biggest truth right now i am royally fucking up with the bf and the worse part is i may be doing it on purpose......

a subject i'd rather avoid

Oh yes it may have been on my mind every few munits, every time i started to relax i would start to worry again, and i didn't want to tell a soul let alone blog about it. It is funny how the act of verbaling something you fear almost gives it more power in your mind.

But the truth be told one of my sexual partoners informed me that they tested postive for herpies and then asked if i had ever had an outbreak/ never told them i had herpies.

I tried really hard not to get defensive but i couldn't help my immideate reaction of ur blamming me?!! Don't get me wrong i fuck, i fuck a lot i love to fuck and i love to fuck lots of diffrent people. But i am a smart nympho, i know whats out there and i know what to look for. Condoms are a must as well as requlor screenings.

My last one had been clean as had all of the one i've had evey 6 months since i was 17. But still some doubt lingered, I know i hadn't had any outbreaks but some people (30% of the us poplation to be exzact) are silent carriers and just go around infecting people.

Could that be me? My mind was racing, the BF who would never, Unless we were both silent carriers. The three some, but they were both clean, and vegas. Vegas worried me, we had been "safe" and i had been with him a year prior and been clean, but a lot happens in a year.

So every time i had a free moment i would think about the chances both the bf and i were silent carriers and i had given this person an std is is treatabul but not cureabule, and they like me would be a responsible person refusing to pass this on with out warning other people.

The only way of knowing was to scheduel a test and if i was postive for herpies then i would be responsible for ....

The other person tried to be nice, at least if we both have it we can still fuck around.... i apprichated the humor but felt like the worlds smallest person because they couldn't imagine where else they might have gotten it and i don't blame them considering my sexual history...

The test results came back, a mixed blessing. I tested negative. I could feel the releaif that i wasn't the cause of this, and then the Dr. dropped a bomb. "Because you have had sexual contact with someone who has tested postive, you should be re -checked in six months because it may have passed to you and it can take up to six months to show up."

So, i am going to slow my roll, the bf figures if i caught it i have aready given it to him and we might as well keep fucking .....

I am trying my hardest not to worry about it, but i won't feel normal until december when hopefuly i am still clear and if not i guess i will deal with it then....

bf met army boy or vice versa..

I haven't seen army boy since right after i met the bf. But i have had some of his stuff sitting at my house in Oregon. Finally he was out of the military living in Portland and i was in the same town at the same time and figured he might want his stuff...

I set up a Starbucks meeting and debated about bringing the bf. Would it be award? Would they fight? Would i be able to talk normally? They both know me as a very different person and there is always something about a b/f meeting an ex.

It went relatively well, they talked about video games and science. Army boy and i talked about his family, my family everything that was happening in the last few years.

He looked good, new glasses (bty glasses are sexy!!) and he was more enlightened. Not to say that he was bad before, but i always felt i had to explain things i shouldn't have to. or if my opinion differed from his there was no logical hashing out of ideas. He was using the GI bill to go to school and had a girlfriend exc...

He throgh me off when he said he need this "talk/meeting" because he needed closure, i had never realized that anything was left open, but i thought about it and it was weird to watch the two of them interact and see the differences between these two men that i love/loved. I could see the positive attributions in each of them and also the things that bugged me. The common ground they both shared.

And weirdest of all i could see my life with both of them.

The BF, fixing up the house and going to school, having a baby. Him being a stay at home dad, and moving to Oregon and raising this kid, going on walks and going to the farmers market making our house 'green' . Teaching our kid about kindness and our carbon foot print. Having enough money to live but not in excess. Having these great intellectual conversations and always expanding our knowledge.

And i can see Army Boy and the happiness and kindness and the huge house we would have and the places we would go. How everything would be a party or a challenge but we would always have fun and i would be in charge of any kids....

i can picture this whole life and all of these things with either of them, and i wonder about the choices that you make every day to lead you down the path or life that you are living. I could be happy either way and i realized that i love both of them.

And i am happy where i am and with the person i am with, but there is always what could have been..... and maybe sometimes you don't realize you had anything left open.

Im my mind though i picture maybe someday when i am all old and the bf dies maybe just maybe army boy and i will meet again.